To my surprise, I was added to the Facebook group chat of the 5th year residents the very next day. I was so thrilled that I couldn’t help but share the good news to everyone who was within my reach – my disciples, my barkada and many more. And just as I had finished announcing to everyone, I was suddenly removed from the group chat. Just imagine how confusing this was for me, especially when one of the residents sent me a long message – apologizing for mistakenly adding me to the group chat and explaining how I wasn’t in the vice dean’s list.
It was difficult for me to accept. I wanted to make sure it was true, so I consulted the vice dean. And as much as it hurt me to hear the truth for the second time, she said that I didn’t make it. She suggested, however, that I double-check with the secretary just in case there had been a mistake. In my mind, I knew the secretary would be my last hope, so I consulted her too. But, for whatever reason, my messages were just left seen-zoned.
For a minute there my mind went blank. And what succeeded that long minute were a series of questions and a bucket of tears waiting to come out. My brother, my father, my mother and one of my friends who made it to 5th year checked my computation, and they all said it was correct. How could I have not made it when my grades said otherwise? It just didn’t make sense.
At that point, there was nothing left for me to do, but wait. God put me on hold. Three days had passed and nothing happened. The timing of God’s hold was impeccable. I couldn’t get answers because the faculty had their hands tied hosting an event – a required event I didn’t attend because I was too ashamed. Every day, I was being bombarded with questions by my friends and family that I, myself, didn’t have the answers to.
Why didn’t you make it to 5th year?Why didn’t the secretary reply?Could there be another requirement aside from your grades?
As each day passed, the burden grew heavier. I was crying out to God asking for answers and a heart ready to face those answers. Every time I would pray, I would tell God that I trusted Him. And every time I would open my Bible, God would lead me to verses that assured me of His goodness and sovereignty.
Day 1: “Be still, and know that I am God.” Psalms 46:10 Day 2: “The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.” Exodus 14:14 Day 3: “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10 Day 4: “The Lord is for me; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?” Psalms 118:6 Day 5: “If God is for us, who can be against us?” Romans 8:31
However, even with all of my declarations and God’s affirmations, I still couldn’t help but worry. I was too distressed to the point that I disrespected my Dad when he was only being concerned as a loving father should be. On the fourth day, I went to school, but the secretary wasn’t there. Finally on the fifth day, I met with her. And within five minutes in the office, she had already congratulated me for making it to the master’s program. I had no hard feelings or doubts for the School of Communication. The secretary apologized; it was an honest mistake.
With God, however, I had a lot of questions. Was it necessary to have me wait in agony for five days just to hear the good news in five minutes? Why couldn’t He have just told me that I passed, instead of having me go through that painful roller coaster ride? Why is it that I had to get what I wanted first before I could trust Him completely?
For more than a decade now, I’ve been telling God that I trust Him. Today, He reminded me that it is easier said than done. God saw my pride and selfishness brewing inside, so He did what He had to do to rebuke me. It was never about me, about what I felt or about what I was going through. The problem wasn’t the mistake in the computation. The problem was my doubtful heart. Put in the simpler words of Wonder Woman, “It’s not about what you deserve. It’s about what you believe.”
When I was put on hold, I didn’t believe in God. I didn’t trust Him. I only said I did.
It’s a common mistake for us Christians to only trust God when He gives us what we want or what we think we deserve, and then doubt Him when He doesn’t. It’s also a more common mistake for us to say that we trust and know Him, when deep inside, we really don’t.
Ever since day one, God had already given me the solution. I was just too caught up with my own emotions to notice it. Psalms 46: 10 says, “Be still, and know that I am God.” The solution to all of our heart problems is very simple; that is to know God.
In Hebrew, the word used for “know” is “Yada” – meaning to understand, to experience or to know intimately. The Bible emphasizes that knowing God is not merely an intellectual comprehension, but a response of faith and intimacy with God. To know God means that you believe that He is God – not the God that you make Him to be, but the God that He truly is.
Knowing God means that you acknowledge that He is the one and only almighty God, Lord and Savior. It involves a declaration of who He is, what He’s done, what He’s doing and what He is yet to do. It means praising Him, exalting Him and giving Him the glory He deserves. More importantly, it entails the absence of worry and the presence of peace knowing that He who is good, loving and perfect is in control.
What we most often fail to realize is that knowing God is not an event, but rather a process. It is a never-ending process that must progress daily, moment-by-moment, through prayer, reading God’s word, worship and accountability. When the day comes that God puts you on hold, just run to Him. For it is in knowing Him that you find the solution. It is in knowing Him that you find love amidst conflict, joy amidst affliction, hope amidst destruction and peace amidst confusion.
When God puts you on hold, He’s most probably asking you the question “Do you trust Me? Do you know Me? Or do you only say you do?”
When God puts you on hold, check your heart.
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