After months of living happily in my comfort zone, I finally came face-to-face with reality only to find myself hurting from the same heartbreak of the past. The feelings which I thought were dead long ago had apparently only been sleeping. And in just one moment, I woke up realizing that I am not yet okay.
The emotional me just wanted to give up and run away. The impulsive me just wanted to indulge myself with drinks and parties. While the selfish me just kept questioning and doubting the Lord. But none of these thoughts were helpful. Good thing thoughts were all they were.
I was frustrated, agitated and depressed all at once. I didn’t know what to do because as far as I knew, I had already let go of everything. As far as I knew, I had already done everything that I could. For so long, I truly believed that I had already moved on; but my heart says otherwise.
A year has passed since I’ve chosen to wait on the Lord. But, in my solitude, the same questions continue to haunt me. How much longer do I have to wait? Does the fact that I’ve not yet forgotten him mean that God doesn’t want me to or is it my unwillingness that’s keeping God from answering my prayer? Or does He want me to remember – to suffer much longer – so that I may learn to be completely satisfied in Him?
Waiting is hard enough as it is. Waiting with uncertainty is much more difficult. But, waiting in silence is definitely the hardest to bare. It’s the kind of waiting that stretches your heart way passed its limits. Without knowing what’s next, without seeing a sign, and without hearing the clarity of God’s voice, it felt as if this waiting could last forever. In silence, I waited. I waited and I grew tired. I waited and I found myself eating the very words I once said:
And if this pain were to last for a couple more weeks, more months or more years even, I wouldn’t mind. I wouldn’t mind getting hurt if it means we’re getting stronger. I wouldn’t mind suffering if it means revealing the power and worth of Jesus. I wouldn’t mind growing apart if it means we’re growing more like Christ.
Somewhere along the way, I got lost in my waiting. And it’s not a question of whether or not I love him enough to let go. It’s a question of whether or not I love HIM enough to let go.
The truth is… in my waiting, I failed to see God.
My eyes were too fixated on the pain that I failed to see God’s love. I’ve forgotten that His love is of a different nature altogether – that it’s not just perfect, but it’s also perfecting. God’s love is not revealed through protection from suffering. It stands in the very midst of suffering, but stands there without failing. It’s a supernatural kind of love that makes room for affliction that leads to transformation. It’s an unconditional love that protects no one from suffering – not even His own Son, Jesus Christ, from dying on the cross to save us from our sins. The only reason behind my painful waiting is that God loves me. God loves me so much that He wants me learn and grow as I wait.
My eyes were too fixated on the pain that I failed to see God’s grace. I’ve forgotten that His grace is all that I need – for in my weakness, His power that is made perfect rests on me. In my weakness, He is molding me to long for something better – a love greater than life. He’s teaching me to love like Jesus – to forget myself in order to be strong enough to serve. That is, to naturally feel the pain of betrayal and loneliness, but to supernaturally conquer it all through His grace.
My eyes were too fixated on the pain that I failed to see God’s sovereignty. I’ve forgotten that His sovereign ways surpasses my understanding. I kept begging God to take away this pain and give me complete healing, but I failed to humbly and patiently ask for His will to be done in my life. I’ve forgotten that His timing is different – that I heal at His pace and not mine. I’ve realized that the most crucial lessons are not learned when He lets us have our way, but when He makes us wait.
In my waiting, I failed to see God.
I failed to see that if all of this pain were to fade away, I’d have nothing to offer up to Him. I failed to see that burdens are not given to us to be kept, but to be surrender to the Lord. I failed to see that if I had nothing to entrust to God, I would not be able to learn to trust Him.
I’m getting to know God more, trust God more, and love God more because I am waiting. That makes waiting, more than anything, a blessing.
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